I haven't written anything about Willard Romney since November 19th of last year. I thought he was going to bow out of politics and enjoy being rich. So I thought, why beat a dead horse? But I recently learned that Romney is going to run for President again in 2016. He probably won't make an announcement for about three years but he is already planning his new strategy to win the next election. I should have realized that he was going to run again when I read the following (ten days after the election):
Romney: ‘I Should Have Offered Them Fried Chicken’ Nov. 16, 2012
Defeated presidential candidate Mitt Romney claimed today he could have won last week's election had his campaign offered black voters government-funded fried chicken.
Earlier this week Romney told a group of Republican donors on a conference call that president Obama had won reelection because he offered government "gifts" to young people, Latinos, and blacks.
Today CNN obtained an extended audio recording of that call in which Romney goes even further:
"I've spent the last few days wondering what I should have done differently. Maybe I should have been less hostile to immigration? Maybe I should have embraced fewer anti-woman positions?"
"But after a long reflection, I've decided my most important mistake is not matching the Obama campaign's efforts to give away free stuff to blacks and Latinos."
"I should have made a promise to the Afro-American community, for example. If you vote Republican, your fingers will always be covered in grease. I'm sure a $200 gift certificate to Popeyes or KFC could have won those people over. I don't know why we didn't think of that."
"And we could have done the same thing to Latinos with El Pollo Loco and Taco Bell. If I could have just gotten 35% of the minority vote, I would have won the election."
Believe in (White) America
Romney dismisses the idea that his party should tone down its nativist, racially charged rhetoric on immigration and welfare. Rather, he explains that while white voters must be convinced by a candidate's competence, minority voters are different:
"The Afro-American and Latino communities only understand one thing - handouts. You can't talk to them about issues or policy. Goes right over their heads. They only speak the language of 'gimmie more, gimmie more.' "
Although welfare programs go against his philosophy of self-reliance, Romney wishes he had made more such promises to minorities:
"Aside from my education, my first job, and money to start my own business - no one ever gave me damn thing. So it pains me to see Americans dependent on others."
"But a fried-chicken giveaway could have made me president. I regret not making that happen. It was my failure, and mine alone."
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Don't you just love sterotypes lol. So he still wonder why he isn't president?
My source at Mother Jones Magazine contacted me today and revealed some astonishing information. Two days ago a man who worked as an electrician for Mitt Romney contacted Mother Jones Magazine. Sparky Cummings had been working for the last couple of months at their famous compound in La Jolla, California as an electrician. As you probably heard during the 2012 campaign, Romney has been remodeling the home and installing a car elevator and a 3,600-square-foot basement garage.
This electrician was working on the remodeling project until he was fired three weeks ago. Sparky Cummings said he did a lot of work on the main breaker panel in a small utility room adjacent to Romney's office. He had to pull wires up from the new basement garage to the new breaker box he was installing. From that utility room he overheard many phone calls Romney made and he could hear Romney meeting with his campaign staff. When he realized the significance of these meetings, he began recording the conversations with his cell phone.
Sparky claimed that Ann Romney had been coming on to him and three weeks ago, she took it up a notch. She asked him to come upstairs and help her take down some curtains. He was standing on a step ladder holding the curtain in his left hand will detaching them from the rod with his right hand while Ann Romney held the ladder. He was wearing shorts. Suddenly Ann slid her hand up his leg inside his shorts and started fondling his penis. Then she pulled his shorts down and began performing fellatio on him. When Cummings started doing what his name implies, he dropped the curtain. This startled the people on the patio outside of the window. Mitt Romney was talking to his son Tagg and Herman Cain on the patio outside. Mitt Romney saw what was going on. Romney went ballistic and began yelling at Ann. He called her a bitch and a whore and told the electrician he was fired.
Cummings said that Romney refused to pay him about $3,300 he was owed for the last two weeks he was on the job. So to recoup the money, he decided to sell the recordings that he had secretly made. Mother Jones Magazine bought these recordings and is planning to publish an expose next month. Here is an excerpt from one of the recordings that appears to be a strategy session that took place sometime before Christmas between Mitt Romney and his son Tagg:
Mitt Romney: "I'm convinced that the only way I can win the next election is if I pick a black running mate."
Tagg Romney: "How about Colin Powell. He is by far the most respected African American in the Republican Party."
Mitt Romney: "That asshole endorsed Obama. Fuck him! Besides, I need someone I can trust."
Tagg Romney: "How about Condoleezza Rice?"
Mitt Romney: "Yeah, Bush's favorite side dish. She's too damn smart. I want a dumb running mate so in comparison, I'll look like the smart one. You know, like old man Bush. Quayle made him look like a fucking genius. And we can't use Allen West. West is stupid but he's also fucking nuts. That crazy son-of-a-bitch could go postal at any moment."
Tagg Romney: "Yeah, Allen West should be in a rubber room. So who do you suggest, dad?"
Mitt Romney: "Herman Cain's a real dumbass. He's perfect. He's the fucking pizza guy. We will buy Popeye's Chicken and give 10% of it to Herman. He'll be the front man and we'll be silent partners. That way we own him. He'll have free picnics all over the country. We can pay off some black celebrities to join us and hand out buckets of the shit. We will literally have Black people eating out of our hands. And we also have another source of free chicken. Dan T. Cathy, the guy who runs Chick-fil-A is on board. A guy named Cathy. There's no doubt he got bullied for that. It's no wonder he hates gays. I know I would have called him a fag if I went to school with him. He's so homophobic that he said he will sponsor chicken giveaways if we promise to push for a Constitutional Amendment against gay marriage."
Tagg Romney: "An Amendment? We can't get a Constitutional Amendment passed. That way outside the pervue of the office of the Presidency."
Mitt Romney: "I know. But he's just a stupid fundamentalist Christian. We just tell those people whatever they want to hear. He's going to kick in millions of free chicken sandwiches. Of course, we'll just let him take it off of his taxes so it's a win-win. It's like the taxpayers will be paying for their sandwiches with their taxes. And they'll think we're giving them something for free. I love politics. And the Popeye's chicken will be a write-off too. During the campaign we can use Cain to announce the free fried chicken and watermelons."
Tagg Romney: "Dad, forget the watermelons. I think black people would be insulted by that sterotype."
Mitt Romney: "Okay, no watermelons. Let's get Marco Rubio to be my campaign manager. We'll offer him a butt load of money. That way he won't run against me. He can be in charge of the big taco giveaway to the Mexicans."
Tagg Romney: "Dad, Rubio isn't a Mexican. He's a Cuban."
Mitt Romney: "Mexican, Cuban; tomato, tamale. Who cares? He speaks Spanish doesn't he? Look we knock him out of the running and he gets the Latinos to support us. It's a win-win. I still can't believe the Mexicans voted against me. My dad was a fucking Mexican."
Tagg Romney: "Yeah, but we couldn't capitalize on that because it would have alienated our base. As Republicans we depend on the bigots to win elections. So we have to keep our Mexican roots secret. On the other hand, you're going to have to learn enough Espanol to appeal to the Latinos. Then you and Rubio can speak Spanish at our Taco Fiestas and the Latinos will love you."
Mitt Romney: "Speaking of tacos, we need to buy a taco joint. And I'm not talking about Taco Bell. I can't afford that."
Tagg Romney: "If we can't buy Toxic Hell, how about Del Taco? Damn I don't even know if Del Taco is still in business. I don't eat fucking tacos. I'll check that out. But we can't focus just on minorities. We still need our base to turn out."
Mitt Romney: "Yeah but we need to make sure we don't alienate our base, so how do we still appeal to the racists if we're pandering to Blacks and Latinos?"
Tagg Romney: "No problem. Even though Obama can't run again, you attack him big time. You go big with birther references and blow lots of dog whistles. You know, you keep pointing out that Herman Cain was born in the U.S. You say that Herman Cain is an American not an African. You talk about how the economy will be so strong, food stamps won't be necessary. You can say you're going to turn Michele Obama's watermelon patch at the White House back into a rose garden."
Mitt Romney: "The other demographic that killed us was women. I've got to get it across to the Party that we can't make abortion and birth-control an issue. That dumbass Todd Aiken killed us with that legitimate rape shit. We need to pretend to support equal pay for women. I need to look like I'll appoint women to cabinet positions. That whole binders thing killed us too. But, once I'm in office I'll appoint right wingers to the Supreme Court. I won't appoint them unless they promise to overturn Roe v Wade."
Tagg Romney: "Yeah, but what about mom? Is she really going to leave you? What if she starts talking shit about what an asshole you are, no offense? If she comes out against you, you're screwed."
Mitt Romney: "Hey, I've already got that covered. Her new doctor, Dr. Edward Ville, is on my payroll. He's going to put her on medication that, let's just say will make her more manageable. If she gets out of hand he'll pump her full of shit that will totally incapacitate her. Your mother won't even know where she is. We'll just pretend her MS has flared up. I'll just do some interviews when she's out of it. I'll appear to be a sympathetic caring husband. Women eat that shit up. I'll get the sympathy vote. And we'll put some prominent popular female celebrities on the payroll and get them to do some passionate endorsements. This election's gonna be a fucking cakewalk."
Tagg Romney: "Did you say Dr. Edward Ville? Really? Dr. E. Ville? Now that's hilarious!"
Mitt Romney: "Damn! That is funny! I didn't realize I hired Dr. E. Ville. That's fucking priceless. But look, we might as well get started. Call Herman Cain tomorrow. Tell him to take the next flight. Don't tell him he's gonna be the next Vice President, just tell him we're gonna make him rich. We give him that chicken shit. I'll talk to Karl Rove. He's going to have to get his shit together because we need Crossroads to do their thing. And I'll tell the Koch brothers they'll be in charge of the Tea Party bigots again. We just need to convince the Tea Party that we'll reverse any gun control laws that the democrats pass. Those crazy bastards love guns. We'll promise them that they can have assault weapons, extended clips and armor piercing ammo. They love that shit."
Tagg Romney: "What about tax cuts for the rich."
Mitt Romney: "Well, we'll have to do a better job of disguising the tax cuts. We call it tax reform and keep most of the details secret. And we're gonna reform Social Security but this time we're not gonna mention vouchers, we'll just tell them everybody is in charge of their retirement fund, like a 401K. They don't know how much money we'll make on Wall Street with that plan. We will basically be putting the entire Social Security fund into the stock market. When the stock prices get super-inflated we'll sell our shit and make a butt load. Then when the market collapses, we'll buy our stocks back for next to nothing. And, of course Medicare will also be reformed right out of existence. But we won't tell them about that either."
Tagg Romney: "What about fucking Obamacare?"
Mitt Romney: "Oh yeah! We will be fucking Obamacare alright! HA, HA, HA...."
The conversation depicted above is a parody. It's fiction. I hope you were entertained.
The Daily Currant (quoted above) calls itself "The Global Satirical Newspaper of Record".
Herman Cain t-shirt (edited)
Popeyes logo (edited)
Romney eating chicken
Romney with cow
Romney logo (edited)
Mitt Romney says "A fried chicken giveaway could have made me President"