
The Minority Reptile of the Senate

The Congressional Wailing Wall
The Weeper of the House, John Boehner, has made it clear that the Republicant Party is willing to destroy the economy in order to avoid a slight increase in taxes on millionaires and gillionaires. Boehner has made it clear that the Republicant Party represents the richest 2% of America and doesn't give a crap about the middle class. Recently, an undercover reporter, Douglas Upsumstuf from "Mother Jones Magazine" attended a session of the Republican Congressional caucus. John Boehner addressed his colleagues to explain the Republicant strategy for the next two years. Here is a partial transcript of a secret recording made by Doug Upsumstuf:
Boehner said, "About 99% of the donations to our party comes from the richest people and largest corporations in the country. We Republicans will do whatever is necessary to protect them from a tax increase. We will push the middle class over the fiscal cliff to protect the rich. The middle class deserves it for re-electing President Obama. The middle class must be punished for refusing to vote for the Republican candidate and this is our first opportunity to stick it to them. We Congressional Republicans have been punishing the country for the last four years for voting for Obama in 2008. It seems they didn't get the message. So for the next two years we will turn up the heat. We will pass thirty more bills that repeal Obama care. We will put killer amendments on any bill that survives Republican filibusters in the Senate. Mitch McConnell has already told me that the 385 filibusters they have already used to prevent any progress are just the beginning. He has already filibustered his own resolution to show the Democrats that he's willing to filibuster anything. So McConnell will slow everything in the senate to a turtle's pace. I will make sure no sensible bills come up for a vote in the house. We Congressional Republicans are united. We will be a stone wall that will protect the interests of the richest 2%. Since I have been the Speaker of the house we have managed to make it the least productive in Congressional history. I am proud of that achievement. I have managed to stonewall progress since 2010 and now Mitch McConnell and I can block everything until the end of 2014. By then Republicans at the state level will have used gerrymandering and voter suppression laws to make Democrats irrelevant. And we are also going to make changes to the electoral college rules in battleground states to make it impossible for the Democrats to win the Presidential election in 2016. We use the existing winner takes all of the electoral votes in red states. In the blue states we'll apportion electoral votes by who wins in Congressional districts. Romney lost all of the electoral votes in Pennsylvania in this election. But if the electoral votes had been apportioned by who won in each Congressional district he would have received 75% of the electoral votes in Pennsylvania. So we can rig the next Presidential election by changing how the electoral college works at the state level. The Democrats are toast."
When asked if the popular vote should be used instead of the electoral college, Boehner just chuckled. "Even the most extreme voter suppression laws can't stop people from electing a Democrat. Republicans can't win the popular vote anymore no matter how much money we spend on campaigns. We thought we could out spend the Democrats and use Fox News and talk radio to deceive the voters with our propaganda but it just isn't enough. The voters have been able to see through our curtain of disinformation and get glimpse the truth. Our only hope is to rig the electoral college so we will make sure we protect it as much as we protect the rich. Republicans can only win if we can make the popular vote irrelevant."
pictures:
McConnell turtle
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=439x1478240
Boehner
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/24/mitt-romney-john-boehner-crying_n_1827638.html
stone-wall-texture
http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=24533&picture=stone-wall-texture&large=1