Democratic Congressman Robert Andrews (N.J.) signed the Norquist Pledge in 1992 and now wants his name removed. Andrews said, “I understood it to mean that for the next term, if I were elected, I would not vote to raise taxes. I honored that pledge. I never renewed it. I never considered it to be like my marriage vows. I’m married to Camille Andrews, not Grover Norquist. I promised her to be faithful until death do us part, and I mean it. I did not promise Norquist to oppose tax increases until death do us part.” And, of course everyone knows politicians always honor their marriage vows, just ask Newt Gingrich. The divorce rate for Americans is about 50%. Newt's divorce rate is 67% (so far).
I was lucky to get an exclusive interview with Grover Norquist. I had to sit in his office for almost half an hour while he had his "Me time." He just stood in front of a full length mirror posing, flexing and making kissy faces at himself. He was so enthralled with his image that he didn't know I was in the room. When he finally noticed me he winked at himself then turned around to begin the interview. Grover Norquist insisted that his pledge is a lifetime commitment and if anyone tries to wiggle out of it, he will kill them (politically). I pointed out to Norquist that Obama ran on raising taxes on the upper 2%. Obama won the election which indicates voters support that position. Norquist immediately freaked out and screamed, "The voters didn't vote for an Obama tax increase, they voted against that sh*thead Romney! People hate that a$$hole! Romney was the worst liar I've ever seen. Nobody would buy a used car from that stupid Mot#erf#cker. Any other Republican candidate would have crushed Obama. Well, except maybe that ignorant black guy." I said, "I guess you mean Herman Cain." Norquist said, "Yeah, the black guy. And Rick Perry is brain dead so he was never a factor and Ron Paul is totally insane. But the rest of those guys would've beat Obama easy even Tim Pawlenty and he couldn't get elected dog catcher in his own state." I asked, "How about Rick Santorum?" Norquist said, "He would have been perfect. He is as stupid as GW, so we would have been able get another huge tax cut out of him. The dumber they are the easier it is to manipulate them. Michele Bachmann is stupid enough but she listens to her gay husband instead of us so we couldn't trust her."
I pointed out that, in fact, Americans favor raising taxes on the wealthy by a 2 to 1 margin. And even some Republicans are talking about raising revenue by eliminating tax deductions, loopholes and tax credits for large corporations. But Grover Norquist wouldn't consider that. I asked Grover if it's time to eliminate taxpayer subsidies to Exxon Oil since they make more money that any other corporation in the world. Norquist went ballistic. "They're entitled to that money! If they don't receive those huge subsidies, they won't be able to supply us with all of that cheap gasoline." I said, "Have you put gas in your car recently?" He said, "Of course not. Exxon lets my chauffeur fill up for free, it's sort of a professional courtesy since I represent them. I haven't paid for gas since Reagan was in office. It's still a buck a gallon, right?"
The public wants to know where Norquist and Americans for Tax Reform, with its multimillion dollar budget gets its money. But Norquist said, "We're a non-profit so I'm not required to disclose that. I want government transparency but my organization is private and I'm keeping it that way." I said, "Mr. Norquist, let's assume for the sake of argument that a Republican Congressman decides to renege on your pledge. What can you do about it?" Norquist got irate. "Don't even consider it. I own those guys. If they don't kiss my ring, I'll excommunicate them." I said, "No, really, Mr. Norquist what would you do if a Republican actually decides to compromise?" Norquist said, "If somebody compromises, they're dead, politically. When he runs for re-election I can make sure that a Tea Party candidate destroys him in the primary. I'll put so much corporate money up and smear him so bad that his mother will vote against him."
I said, "You know the money doesn't always swing the election. It's true that the candidate who outspends his opponent usually wins, but it's not a sure thing." Norquist said, "It's not just the money. I have so much dirt on every Republican in Congress that you wouldn't believe it. Those guys are so corrupt that they should all be in jail. The lobbyists give me copies of all of the illegal kickbacks and payoffs. The corporations pay off the politicians and provide me with the evidence to blackmail them with. That's why the Republicans are so afraid to violate the pledge. They violate the pledge, they go to jail. It's that simple. I have more dirt on Republican Congressmen that J. Edgar Hoover had. Plus most of them are cheating on their wives and I have the photos because most of their girlfriends also work for the lobbyists and corporations. I'm blackmailing every Republican in Congress. Every time I call a press conference the entire Republican caucus has to change their underwear. That's why I'm the most powerful man in the world."
I said, "Okay one final question. Do you have any dirt on John Boehner?" Norquist started to laugh. He couldn't stop. Tears started rolling down his cheeks. He grabbed his hankie. Snot started flying out of his nose. He began kicking his feet. Then he pissed his pants. This made him laugh even harder. His press secretary said I would have to leave. As I reached the door I said, "I guess that's a yes?" Norquist fell on the floor laughing hysterically. As the door closed I heard his receptionist grab her phone and say, "Quick bring him a sedative he's having a fit again."
The Norquist Pledge
I, (place name of obstructionist here), pledge to, ONE, sabotage the U.S. economy to protect millionaires, billionaires and corporations from having to pay their fair share of taxes and, TWO, to oppose any reduction in tax deductions, corporate welfare and other tax credits. I promise to hold 98% of the people hostage to protect the richest 2%.
The Republican Pledge of Allegiance
I pledge allegiance to the fag of the United States of America. And to the Republicans and the richests' demands, one Norquist, he's our God, irreversible, with tax breaks and loopholes for all.
note: I apologize for using the word "fag" in the pledge above. I support gay rights including gay marriage but I wanted to ridicule Grover Norquist and it rhymes with "flag."
Grover needs a bath!
good Grover http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/12/12/672342/-Other-Presidents-with-Funny-Name
bad Grover http://www.searchdictionaries.com/?q=grover
man behind curtain http://ricochet.com/main-feed/Is-Grover-Norquist-an-Ayatollah-a-Terrorist-or-Just-an-Evil-Warlord