When I got up this morning I turned on MSNBC to catch up on the news. They were interviewing a beautiful psychic on "Morning Joe." This amazing psychic had accurately predicted the results of the 2012 election. The exotic psychic, Madame Cobalt Blue, even predicted the winners in every Congressional race. When Mika Brzezinski asked her how she was able to do it, Madame Blue replied, "I'll be glad to tell you after the breaking news." Mika asked, "What breaking news?" And she was immediately interrupted by Joe Scarborough (as usual). He said, "We have breaking news from Bain Capital in Boston, Massachusetts."
Mitt Romney stepped up to the podium that had been erected at the headquarters of Bain Capital. He was flanked by Bain's Board of Directors. Romney said, "I want to thank the Board of Directors of Bain Capital for electing me as the new President of Bain Capital." Romney smiled as the crowd of almost a dozen people applauded. "My fellow millionaires, you are the people who really matter to me. I may have lost that other election but that was because 47% of those voters were irresponsible leeches who were too stupid to vote for me. But now that I'm the President of this wonderful organization again, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THEM!"
"It's great to be back. Of course most of you know I never really left. It's my fault that the image of this fine company has been dragged through the mud. Politics is a dirty business and my opponents have tried to brand our fine company as an evil vulture capital company that made money by driving other businesses into bankruptcy. So I'm back and it's my job to rehabilitate the image of this amazing business. But don't worry. We're still going to offshore jobs and use tax shelters. And we're still going to squeeze companies into bankruptcy. But we're going to move all of those kind of activities into anonymous holding companies so they can't be linked to Bain. We'll associate the Bain name with our more popular projects."
"We will start by making the announcement that Bain is going solar. Now I know what you're thinking. The solar industry is just not very profitable. But don't worry. I'm not talking about getting into the solar energy industry. I'm talking about taking over a company that already has a great profit margin and huge revenues. I'm talking about the acquisition of a company that is the perfect fit for Bain Capital. We are going to execute a hostile takeover of Bain de Soleil. It's a French sunscreen operation with tons of sales. We've already developed a new product line that will have immediate appeal to upscale consumers. Millionaires will love these new products. The snob appeal is overwhelming."
"Because of the recession in Europe, sales of Bain de Soleil are down. That has reduced the overall value of the company by over 30% so it's a great opportunity for us. We know from the recession in the U.S. that while the middle class is suffering, the rich are bulletproof. It's the same in Europe. Rich people don't suffer during recessions. In fact, interest rates are so high on European bonds that the rich are raking it in over there. So we can acquire Bain de Soleil at a bargain and then with our new product line that targets rich people; we can make a killing."
"These new Bain de Soleil products will be very expensive. The new product line will be called 'Bain Capital Soleil.' We are targeting the snobby rich Europeans and of course the rich Americans will love these products too. This first product is Bain Capital Soleil Liquid GOLD. What good is it to be the richest person on the beach unless it shows? Now people will know you're loaded because you don't just have a golden tan; you're actually gold plated! Our next product is the convenient Bain Capital Soleil Spray GOLD. It's just like the Liquid GOLD but in a convenient spray form. And we're also going to unveil a new line of cosmetics beginning with Bain Capital Soleil Lip GOLD and Eye GOLD. So we will be expanding Bain Capital Soleil products beyond the beach. Eventually we expect cosmetic sales to out pace the sunscreen products. We can market these products with slogans like, 'Look rich, look successful, wear GOLD.' Our profit margin will be high because none of these products contain any actual gold. We use a liquid suspension containing iron pyrite -- fools gold. It's the oldest scam in the book."
"When we looked at the demographics we concluded that in the past Bain de Soleil was selling well with women but had virtually no sales with men. We have a strategy to boost sales with men in the U.S. We are going to market our Bain Capital Soleil to men by changing the tone. It will have a less metallic bronze look. We call it Bain Capital Soleil Liquid Bronze. And I have recruited the perfect spokesman -- John Boehner. We got John to try the product out and he loves it. And he's agreed to quit crying in public because we don't want our spokesman to act like a wimp."
"We are also relocating the headquarters of Bain Capital to the Cayman Islands. We are beginning construction of a beautiful building right on Malville Beach on the northern shore of Grand Cayman Island. All of our profits will be funneled through our tax shelter tax operations in the Caymans. Since I'm not going to run for office again we won't be paying any U.S. taxes from now on. It's gonna be just like the good old days again."
MSNBC then switched back to the "Morning Joe" studio. Joe Scarborough said, "See. I told you Romney would be elected President!" Mika Brzezinski said, "Yeah right, Joe. Maybe you should leave the predicting to Madame Blue since she actually got it right. So Madame Blue do you have any new predictions?"
"You can call me Cobalt, and yes I do have a prediction. The first seasonal hurricane next spring will be called 'Anne'. It will head across the Atlantic directly toward the Caymans. While hurricane Anne gathers strength a tropical storm named Bruce will form in the Caribbean. It too will head for the Caymans. As hurricane Anne becomes a category 4, Bruce will reach hurricane strength. These two hurricanes will merge over Grand Cayman Island and form the world's first super-cell. To top it off, a 9.4 earthquake will strike with it's epicenter about 45 miles south of Cuba. The earthquake will create a devastating fifty foot tsunami that will also hit the Caymans."
Joe Scarborough interrupted her, "What will that do to the Caymans?" Cobalt Blue smiled and said, "There will be no joy in Malville. Mighty Romney will be wiped out."
Romney cries (edited)