John Boehner has inherited Romney's infamous Flip-Flops. He had to clean them off because there was lots of stuff stuck to the soles of these well worn shoes. Boehner used his tears to rise off the conflicting statements about: the auto bailout, abortion, blind trusts, immigration, campaign finance, gun control, universal health care, global warming, gay rights and stem cell research. John Boehner was probably the only living person capable of producing enough tears to clean Flip-Flops that had been soiled to that degree.
When Boehner was finished crying he put the magic Flip-Flops on and tried them out. He addressed the nation about the election. First he ignored the fact that Obama, who supports raising taxes on millionaires, won the Presidential vote. Romney who proposed cutting taxes on millionaires by 20% lost the vote. Boehner pointed out that the voters returned control of the House of Reprehensibles to the obstructionist republican party. Boehner said, "With this vote, the American people have made it clear that there is no mandate for raising tax rates." He indicated the House of Reprehensibles isn't budging on taxes and is willing to push the country over the fiscal cliff. Boehner said Republicans offered solutions while their opponents chose inaction.
A few hours later Boehner Flip-Flopped on his previous statement. Boehner said in a press release, "The decision by voters to keep a Democrat in the White House and Republicans in control of the House means they are looking for political leaders to find common ground." Boehner said that the elections were a mandate to take "steps together" to boost the economy. Of course, he never mentioned compromise or taxes. Then Boehner said "These Flip-Flops are great. I have never been able to contradict myself this quickly and easily before."
Boehner said he wasn't just crying about the election. He admitted that he had been crying for several months prior to the election. He said he had faced a tough times running unopposed for his House seat in Ohio. Boehner said it's difficult to campaign when you don't have a democrat to smear. And he was extremely upset when his tears shorted out his tanning bed. Boehner said, "I always get extremely sad at the prospect of becoming pale." But that's not what got his tears going. Boehner has been in rehab several times in recent years trying to overcome his addiction to UV and tanning beds. He said, "I met Snooki in rehab, and like everyone else, I had a short but very satisfying affair with her. We used to do it right on the tanning bed. I was very upset when she dumped me and that's what got me started crying this time. I am so envious of her skin tone and she is such a sweet girl. I just hope that baby isn't mine."
All of the wonderful Boehner Boo-Hoo pictures from: