Florida's infamous "stand your ground law" may allow George Zimmerman to literally get away with murder in the Trayvon Martin case. But Paul Ryan has decided to double down on stand your ground.
Ryan has announced he wants a new "stand around" federal law. According to Ryan this would make it legal for any member of the NRA who is standing around to shoot "any African American wearing a hoodie." He said research has shown that African Americans wearing hoodies are the kind of people who grow up to become dangerous democrats. He said his new law would accomplish several important things. It would, like the new voter suppression laws, reduce the number of minority voters. And it would eventually help republicans become the majority of the population. It would also solidify the white supremacist teabagger vote. Republicans are worried that many of these racists could vote for third party candidates.
He said, "Once people see how successful this stand around law is, it can be expanded to include Latinos. Latinos now seem to be supporting democrats so they are posing the same kind of threat we see in the black community." Ryan said, "my friends in the NRA have suggested establishing a hunting season during the colder months when minorities are more likely to wear hoodies."
When asked what would happen if minorities stopped wearing hoodies, Ryan said his staff is already working on color charts to access how dangerous those people are based on skin tone. He said people like John Behner would have to stop going to tanning salons. When asked if his plan would be profiling, Ryan said, "No. It's color coding not profiling. These color charts are held up in front of minorities, not from the side. It's not profiling unless you look at them from the side, so we won't be doing that." Ryan said, "These charts look like paint charts used to redecorate and choose paint color. The darker the shades are indicative of higher threat levels." Ryan said, "Our research proves that the darker an individual is, the more likely that person is to vote for a democrat. I know there are exceptions to this color coding idea. So we're working on a specially formulated skin cream to protect our conservative black friends. Herman Cain and Allen West are testing the new skin lightener right now. We are hoping that they will be completely white in a few weeks. This new skin lightener will soon be available to any minority citizens who are registered republicans."
Rachael Maddow pointed out that this new Ryan plan is racism. Ryan responded, "this has nothing to do with race, Rachael. We are going to faze this law in very slowly. If it was a race we'd do it as fast as we can. You'll only be able to shoot one person a month at first. We will need some time to lighten up any African American or Latino republicans before permitting multiple kills based on our color coding system." Ryan then explained the color coding system won't target just African Americans and Latinos. He said, "Snooki would probably be fair game and she's not an African American or a Latina. Coal miners will have to wash their faces before they leave the mines or they'll be at risk too."
Whoopie Goldberg http://starwrecked.com/