Flip-Flops with built-in Swivels
Look like a Billionaire
Show me the Money
Swing Free
Romney's Magic Mormon Underwear
After getting smoked in the last debate, Willard Romney now realizes that he will lose the election. So he has decided it's time to focus on making millions again. He doesn't need to return to BainCapital because he's still skimming $20 million a year from them. Romney said, "Let's just say that $20 million figure is what the IRS knows about." So Romney has decided since he's not returning to Bain he will pursue new avenues to even more riches.
One easy way to cash in on his celebrity status is product endorsement. Romney has decided to redesign the famous Mormon "magic underwear" and sell it to the general public (see last picture). Many Mormons believe that these under garments can protect them from injuries, fire, bullets and even nuclear weapons. There is an urban legend that claims a Mormon was aboard an airplane that crashed. This mormon was not only the sole survivor but walked away completely unharmed. So many Mormons believe their magic underwear can protect them from harm even from catastrophic disasters. These garments were originally designed by the Mormon "profit", Joseph Smith (the guy who had at least 33 wives). Joseph Smith, of course, made money from the scam. Romney has replaced the mystical Mormon symbols on the undergarments with his own logos and has signed a deal with Under Armour to market them. The protection that these garment supposedly provide make Under Armour seem like the perfect company to sell it. If Romney is elected he will even require military personnel to wear it. Romney claims, "This will save billions of dollars because the military will no longer buy Kevlar and other expensive body armour. One great feature of magic Mormon underwear is the built in cod piece. For years Mormon men have been able to pretend that have enormous genitals. And we're adding extra padding in the magic underwear for women. They won't need surgical implants to look as well endowed as porn stars."
The magic underwear is a little cumbersome for many so he is also going to sell "Rmoney" boxers. Romney said almost everyone loves money -- except that 47% of the population that he doesn't care about. So the Rmoney products will feature a currency motiff. He said, "I discovered a way to actually print money without getting in trouble for counterfeiting." Along with the boxers, Romney also has plans to release Rmoney shirts.
And since Under Armour also sells footwear, Romney flip-flops are also a perfect product for them to market. The only thing Romney has been consistent on is constantly flip-flopping on almost every major political issue. Romney flip-flops have swivels on the bottom so you can change direction instantly and are accompanied with optional spats so people will know you're filthy rich, even on the beach.
Romney said he also wanted to market bejeweled baseball caps and football helmets. He said they look like crowns. He said rappers who love bling can wear the baseball caps backwards and look like royalty. And he said the diamond studded football helmets will cut your opponents to shreds. But Under Armour has balked on this product line. A spokesman said, "We don't think there's much of a market for million dollar headgear.
Romney said, "I may not be elected to be the next President of the United States, but I'll make a lot more money than Obama when I lose. I'll probably buy the Cayman Islands and declare myself President for life there. Obama will only be president for another four years here. I can even declare myself King of the Caymans if I buy them. Obama can kiss my rich white a$$."
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